he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
