I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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