well I can't set my house on fire every night
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
why is half of my head shaved?
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