A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
