ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
