Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
