I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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