Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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