About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
