I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
