My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
