dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Randomize
