Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
