Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
