why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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