So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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