Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
