I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
