Betty ford says i'm here all night
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
