Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
If I die, sorry about rent.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
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