just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
