i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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