Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
