Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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