Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
