Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
