shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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