i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
