I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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