The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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