How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
