call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
