friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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