I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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