he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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