That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
