Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
