did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
i would punch a child for taco bell
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
