I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
