the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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