apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
They have beer where we have blood.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
