I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
