I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
