i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
