i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
