i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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