You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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