i think i have two assholes
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
