I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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