I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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