Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
