Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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